Happiness happens to those who seek it

Let me give you the good news first: It is possible to be happy. Yes, even in today's times, when the odds are stacked so heavily against happiness. There is a catch to being happy, I must warn you. And it is this: In order to achieve happiness, a person first has to want to be happy. Desire it. Identify it. And acknowledge as much. When was the last time you-yes, you-thought about being happy? Actually sat down and said to yourself, " I want to be happy."Sounds simple? Foolish? Think about it... I did. And this very elementary statement of a very fundamental desire, made me acutely aware of my own state of mind at that point (restless, irritable, intolerant). Once I'd identified the basics (happiness-generators), I then went about discarding most of the causes that stood in the way of my achieving this really, really underrated condition that we take so much for granted but barely understand.We assume everybody else in the world is happy but us. We also assume , everybody's idea of happiness is more or less the same as our own. We focus excessively on things that don't make us happy, rather than on those that do. It becomes a vicious cycle of regurgitating all that annoys, rather than a remembrance of all the uplifts. During the past few years, I noticed that I had started to frown more and smile less! How awful... that's when I said to myself, "It's time to take stock... starting now!"But first, I had to regress....become a child again. Or rather, rediscover the child in me. The little girl who used to laugh a lot, often for no apparent reason. The same one who possessed an insatiable curiosity about nearly every aspect of everyday life. The pony-tailed teenager who'd rush out of the house to dance in the rain, and talk to the moon because it was smiling. When was the last time I'd stopped to stare with fascination at a particularly pretty autumn leaf....a painting... or listen to snatches of a long forgotten song?Today, I'm fortunate enough to have the resources to buy some of the things I used to dream about owning as a young person. But do I have the time to enjoy them? I glance at my pricey wrist watch and realise it just sits on my wrist as the hours fly. I've stopped noticing its classic lines and sophisticated mechanism. Imagine the irony of it all. We spend years lusting after material objects that are supposed to enhance our lives in tangible ways, but in reality, by the time we acquire these goodies and revel in our well-earned lifestyle perks, we are either too blasé, too exhausted or-this is the worst-too ill to appreciate our good luck! That's when reality checks kick in. For a lot of prosperous men, the trappings of success ( multiple cars, great homes, impressive whiskies on the bar, rare cognacs, Cuban cigars, a choice of young bed partners) oh, all that they may have fantasised about during their lean and mean youth-it's right there, waiting to be devoured. Damn. If only the by-pass surgery hadn't taken the fun out of the promised adventure. Imagine... a single stroke of a pen on a cheque can change ones life as drastically as an entirely different kind of medical stroke that can kill in an instant, too.Sometimes, when I'm feeling especially philosophical, I transport myself mentally to my adored beach in Goa. I recall all those magical moments, lying on a deck chair, feeding papayas to straying cows, snoozing lazily, sipping chilled coconut water, reading in a desultory fashion and enjoying the warmth of a winter sun on my bare shoulders. Later, much later, while locating my flip- flops half- buried in the sand, a strange realisation shakes me out of my temporary stupor. It's the sand that does it...all those millions of tiny grains, only to be impatiently shaken off. I look down at my toes and laugh. One day, I too shall be reduced to less than that grain of sand. So shall we all. How foolish and worthless our vanities appear in such a chilling context.I promptly straighten my shoulders and look skywards, same story. In this vast and mysterious universe, who and what are we? Not even the tiniest of tiny specks. It is such a liberating moment. I generally throw my head back and laugh at the absurdity of existence. For a few days that follow, I follow my heart, not head. It's reassuring to know that's still possible. I listen to plaintive Goan mandos and feel deliciously emotional. Charlie Brown was so right when he declared, "Happiness is a sad song..."Before starting this piece, I made a list of what it was that makes my heart soar. Topping it was 'Family'. I guess 99 per cent of the people in the world would readily agree. No family, no joy. In India, we still believe in the deeply nurturing aspects of a fulfilling family life. We continue to value the concept of 'kutumb'. It is where we seek our deepest emotions. It is where we retreat when we need comfort. I cannot think of happiness without the love and warmth that family provides.




Starting there, I'd like to share my 25 key tips for finding (and keeping) the universe's most elusive, most desired emotional state-happiness. These basic, uncomplicated guidelines have helped me. At least a few of them are bound to help you. For, as a stressed out banker-friend trustingly asked me, "At the end of the day, every human being wants just one thing-to be happy. Right?" Yup. Absolutely right!!







1. Be selfishBe vain. Ask anyone, "Do you lead a selfish life?" Or, " Are you vain?" and the person will hotly deny it. We all like to see ourselves as generous people who help others. But in reality, most of us only help those who can help us! I have taken the best lessons out of Ayn Rand's remarkable treatise titled, "The Virtues of Selfishness." If you don't give your own self priority, if you don't look after your health, appearance and well being, you can't make anyone around you happy either. Being 'constructively selfish' is very different from being mean and self-centered. Similarly, vanity is not just about narcissism. It extends well beyond that narrow definition. As a responsible person, you owe it to yourself to eat smart, live smart, look good. If your self image is positive, you will convey positive vibes to those around you. A frustrated, embittered person who refuses to address the issues that lead to a negative approach, will find it difficult to overcome life's many hurdles. Invest in yourself-because you are worth it!



2. Learn to let go Easier said than done. But it is possible. Baggage weighs you down, makes you miserable. What's the point of going over the minutae of a relationship that has soured? Once it's over, it's over. Move on. Take your time to come to terms with the break. But don't keep brooding once you have made the decision to part. This applies equally to a bad experience with a stranger who may have duped you. Learn from it, but discard the negative emotion generated by the memory. It serves zero purpose. The only thing that works in a break up, is a clinical incision that cuts neatly and permanently. Remember, sutures heal. A festering wound, oozes.



3. Teach yourself to trust Agreed the world isn't the most amazing place, but it isn't all that terrible either. These days, suspicion rules. We are constantly looking over our shoulders to see who's carrying a knife... the same one that will stab us in the back the moment our attention gets diverted. Husbands and wives play cat-and- mouse games. Siblings don't trust each other, children accuse their parents of vile acts, and parents are wary of their kids. Isn't that sad? Forget business partnerships where nobody trusts anybody. It appears as if we are all lone warriors ready to attack at the first sign of aggression. But the minute you surrender your doubts and stop being cynical, you realize just how many wonderful people there are out there, who ?may actually risk their own lives to save yours!

4. Express gratitude
Articulate your feelings when someone does you a good turn. Don't take it for granted that people owe it to you to be 'nice'. This is entirely untrue. Goodness and grace , especially with no strings attached, need to be recognised, at least in your own busy heart. Ideally, write the person a warm and sincere note appreciating the gesture... pick up the phone... send a text. These are life's unexpected moments, make sure you remain tuned in to them.




5. Slow down
I completely mean that, even if I don't adhere to it myself. I know I'm pushing the pace, I know I need to cut the speed... but I say helplessly, "I can't!" Rubbish. There is nothing that compelling... nothing that can't be kept on hold. And yet, here I am lunatically hurtling towards some self-defined goal. What on earth for? I see countless clones around me making the same mistake. Often, I 'advise' them to take a break. But what about my own crazy schedule? The good part is I am aware of my punishing routine. Chances are, I'll fix it soon. Wish me luck!



6. Touch and go
Really, that's all it needs-one tiny touch before you get busy. Just that hurried physical contact with someone you care for, is enough to last several hours and offer comfort. We have stopped hugging one another... why, we rarely hug our own children. No wonder India's Hugging Saint has become a world -wide phenomenon. She has tapped into a vacant space and found countless takers. Everyone needs to be hugged, stroked, embraced, cuddled, kissed, caressed. Even a pet at home demands a pat of appreciation. Imagine then what we are missing out on? Forget hugging, we no longer make direct eye contact. Isn't that sad? Make it a point to demonstrate your affection by reaching out briefly, at least once a day... it's worth the effort many times over. If nothing else works, hire a masseur for a more professional 'touch'.

7. Listen with your heart
Not just your ears. So often, we pretend to be listening, our ears hear the words being spoken, but our hearts are elsewhere, and nothing really registers later. What an insult to the person doing the talking. The problem is our attention spans have shrunk to an extent we no longer invest even a bit of our precious micro-seconds on another's situation, unless it directly impacts our own! Matlab ki baat hai. Cacophony has replaced conversation. Selective deafness dominates social intercourse.

8. Confide
Secrecy has its uses. But so does a confession. Confidantes come with in-built risks, unless you are blessed enough to stumble upon a friend or a family elder you can trust. While it isn't all that easy to find such persons, it's worth taking a chance with someone who inspires a certain level of confidence...enough for you to get a few things off your chest, and feel lighter. In these ultra- paranoid times, we tend to keep everything bottled up, afraid that even a small slip up will be used against us by the very person(s),who has feigned sympathy and interest in the problem. Well... so be it! You win some and lose some. Betrayal can be devastating. But it's still better to seek advice by sharing those troubling problems than living with a constant feeling of being choked.

9. Shut up!!
That's right. Keep quiet. Not every argument needs a resolution. Life is more than a game of one upmanship. Often, there is more charm and satisfaction in holding ones peace, especially if tempers are running high. If one person backs off and stays quiet, chances are the argument itself loses steam and fizzles out. In retrospect, the whole thing looks absurd and exaggerated, anyway. So, why not be the bigger person, and back off?

10. Have a heart
This is about compassion, yes. But on a more selfish level, it is about following your heart, too. If your heart isn't in what you do, walk away. You cannot succeed in either a career or a relationship that you aren't embracing-whole- heartedly. Imagine being stuck in a job or a marriage that only gives you grief! What for? As the cliché goes, life is way to short to throw it away on activities that are devoid of joy. The minute you opt for something or someone you love, you will succeed. The heart has its reasons....as Pascal wrote years ago. Listen to it...

11. Stop being a control freak
Of course we all want to stay on top of our lives and all that. But at what cost?? Cardiac arrest? Hypertension? I am the first one to admit, I get disoriented if I am not in control of my time and activities. I realise it's a dumb thing to do, and am actively addressing the syndrome. I spot similar victims around me. How silly are we to think we can actually control anything! Being reasonably organised is one thing. Being obsessive about it, another. I'm striving to find the right balance. So should you.

12. Count
No, not just your blessings (which you should and must), but count... as in 1-2-3-4-5, before you make an important decision, or lose your temper. Believe me, counting has saved many a job and marriage! The trick is to remember to do so ... on time! Counting slowly and with concentration, buys time, and that, as any skillful negotiator will tell you, ensures you have the advantage, while your opponent fumes. It's not important to win every debate. But the fragile state of your arteries? Now, that's important.
13. Compliment people
Why stinge on praise? Who doesn't like to be appreciated? Walk up to the person who has earned your respect, and say so. It costs nothing, but goes a long way in the long run. Never be fake in this regard, for soon you'll be found out. There's nothing more annoying than discovering a double-faced hypocrite, who lays it on when face-to-face and trashes you when your back is turned. Say it when you mean it. But say it! Recognising someone else's gifts will make you a better person automatically.

14. Music
You know why it is called the balm for the soul? Because music alone has the ability to calm, soothe, heal, restore and music asks for nothing in return. One of the best, most thoughtful birthday gifts I received was from my friend Gitaah ( God bless her!). Being a singer and a music lover, who has frequently transported audiences through her gift ( what a voice! Where does it come from?), Gitaah took the immense trouble to load over 300 of my very special songs and tracks on a dinky, little iPod, before presenting it to me with a sweet and affectionate note on a recent birthday. I was so touched, so thrilled and so moved, I couldn't stop weeping.... or singing! The iPod has since become my best friend and most favoured stress-buster. Apart from any therapeutic value it provides, the sheer, unadulterated pleasure of surrendering to music, be it Elvis Presley, Bhimsen Joshi, A.R. Rahman or Tchaikovsky, makes me feel one with the divine. It also makes me acutely aware of the fact that I had down-graded music in my silly list of priorities for way too long. I am delighted to report it is now back where it belongs-right up there with the few priceless treasures I most value. These days, listening to the most mindless Bollywood dance tracks on my priceless present, brings an instant smile to the lips... my feet start tapping and life itself appears as gaudy and unreal as Om Shanti Om!

15. Cry your eyes out
Go on.... it's such a great feeling. There's nothing as de-stressing as a really good cry. Don't make it a habit, though. Save up those tears for something worthy. But once they start, don't stop them. We have forgotten how to cry! We have no time to shed those clogged up tears. In the process, we have let our tear ducts dry up, so when we really, really need to let go, nothing emerges from those dry, cold eyes. I cry very easily, much to the embarrassment of my family. Why, I even cry while watching the stupidest Bollywood film. But mainly, it's music that makes me cry. And beauty. The helplessness and trust of innocent children has the same effect. As do sunsets... and the goodness of strangers. Men suppress their tears because society doesn't endorse them. I think the world would be a far better, less aggressive place if men were to cry more than they do at present . I want to tell them, real men do -and should cry. It makes men more human. And therefore, more attractive. ?Let the 'kerchiefs do their job, guys-cry away. And feel happy doing so!

16. Extend help
If you find yourself in a situation where your intervention would lead to a positive outcome, go ahead and extend your hand. Don't walk away when you see someone in distress. Make a phone call, if nothing else. Often, summoning help (police, doctor, ambulance), can make the difference between life and death. Surely, you'll hate yourself later for not doing something when you could?? We have become far too indifferent and insular to the suffering of fellow beings-nobody wants to get 'involved'. Why not? Only cowards walk away from a crisis. Intervening in a crisis ought to be an obligation for anybody caught in such a situation . You must do whatever is needed at that point to aid the victim. Remember, ?it could be you, lying there bleeding on the ground while people jump over your prone body and leave you to die.



17. Grow a garden
You don't need acres of space to achieve this-a small patch will do. And if even that is not available, get yourself a few hardy indoor plants. Most Indian homes keep a Tulsi on the kitchen windowsill. Apart from the traditional significance, Tulsi's medicinal properties are well-documented. Given the sensitive nature of my throat, and the high pollution levels in Mumbai, I scrupulously chew five Tulsi leaves dipped in honey, first thing in the morning. My throat has been behaving ever since I started the routine. My own little garden at home is very precious to me, and hugely therapeutic. On days when I wake up feeling blah, and I see the hibiscus in full bloom, my spirits soar at the beautiful sight. Taking care of plants makes you feel responsible for life itself. Tending rose bushes, or merely watering lucky bamboos, is an act that is strangely satisfying. I take the arrival of each new leaf of the Frangipani as a personal victory!

18. Money madness
Agreed. Moolah helps. Big moolah helps hugely. But can it save a lost soul? We all need money. But do we need to chase it at the cost of all else-health, family, fun? When was the last time you stopped running after a monetary goal and said to yourself, "The hell with that extra buck in the bank... I'm going to a movie." Try suggesting that to a young person and see the expression of utter and total disbelief on the face. "Are you mad? Have you lost it? The markets are opening in New York \Hong Kong\Tokyo... there's so much riding on the dollar... and you want me to miss out on a possible killing?" But what about missing out on life? A walk in the rain? When was the last time you stopped to watch a sunset? Heard a bird sing? Admired a painting? Whistled an old, forgotten tune? In our mindless pursuit of wealth and status, we are cheating ourselves of simple, everyday pleasures that once recharged our batteries and energised us. Money has become sexier than sex itself! The biggest turn on for a generation that foolishly believes plastic makes the impossible, possible. 'Have credit card, will over-spend' is the mantra that provides all the orgasms. The sickness of compulsive consumerism is catching on rapidly. The only thing that can save us is reconnecting ... with one another, and our past.




19. Eat, drink and be merry
Yup. But make sure you do so minus guilt. Eating each meal with enthusiasm and gusto does not make you a glutton! Food-whether it's comfort food or a gourmet meal-is the provider of elementary but immense pleasure. To remain indifferent to the everyday act of eating, is to deny yourself a great source of happiness. No matter what's on your thali, if you pay attention to it, respect the person who has cooked it, and engage yourself fully in the act of eating, on a very conscious level, you will automatically find yourself getting drawn into a more sensual world, experiencing something vivid and wonderful. Great food has great recall. Remembering memorable meals is a pleasure in itself. Aaah, when it comes to drink, to each his own. If you like your alcohol, consume it sans pressure. There is no point in being a closet drinker, which can lead to clinical depression. Drink when you are in the mood, drink with people you feel comfortable with, drink if you want to celebrate. But don't drink if you think alcohol takes away sorrow. For, all it does is compound it. As for being merry-that's easy! Good food, good wine and good company-what's your excuse??




20. Learn to lose

It's really ok to not win every single time. And it's also ok to feel terrible when you lose. But feeling terrible and giving in to depression or feelings of low self- worth, are not the same thing. Losing with grace is an art in itself. Knowing when to quit, is another. Nobody stays ahead of the game permanently. Win some, lose some-that's how it goes. And always will. Losing to an opponent who deserves to win, is easy. But conceding defeat to a duffer can be a killer. Losing with ones dignity intact provides a different high, and if you can achieve the feat, you emerge a stronger person. Lose with a smile, even if at that point all you want to do is cry. I remember how devastated I felt during an inter-school athletics championship, when our relay team lost to a rival school because of a clumsy baton pass. That tiny error cost us the coveted shield. We were shattered and upset, till our games teacher told us to cheer up and smile. What about the loss, we asked glumly. She just grinned and said, "Because people look their best when they are able to rise above defeat.'' Brilliant! Had she added to our despondency at that point by chastising us, we would have reveled in it, but by providing an inspirational message, she made us feel instantly better about ourselves. We went back the next year determined to regain the trophy-and did just that!



21. Sleep
Sounds simple, and therefore unimportant. But do you know that women, in particular, go through life in a state of serious sleep deprivation? That most of them never ever 'catch up' on lost slumber? Have you also wondered why international researchers spend so much time and money going into the intricacies of sleep disturbances these days? It's because scientists have discovered the far-reaching devastation caused by insufficient sleep...and the picture isn't looking good. A charged-up female executive I met in Delhi told me she had turned into an insomniac due to the demanding nature of her work. She finds herself tossing and turning in bed, hours after switching off the lights. "I can't wait for morning... I am unable to relax....I am addicted to stress!" She claims she has tried it all-meditation, deep breathing exercises, yoga, a shot of cognac, a glass of milk, a warm bath.... even boring books. Nothing works. Her mind is in overdrive, she is overwrought, and she resents the hours 'wasted' in sleep. Phew! The consequences have been terrible-she has no friends, no family life , and no leisure. She falls sick more often than she cares to admit, and any suggestion that she needs to slow down , is met with a derisive, dismissive snort.Well, here's an admission: while listening to her story, I found several echoes in my own life. I too underestimate the healing value of sleep and tend to push myself long after the world has called it a day. I abhor afternoon siestas, even though I know how restful they are (ten years ago, I couldn't do without my post-lunch nap). I feel guilty and wretched on the rare occasions when I cat-nap. I also feel frustrated when I watch the rest of my family sleeping peacefully. Like the driven executive, I too am crippled by the thought that I'm 'wasting time' by sleeping. But at least, I am aware of my short-sightedness and plan to address it soon. Babies and puppies look wonderful because they sleep most of the time! We have to wake up to the fact that eight hours of sleep restores us more effectively than all those multi-vits we pop. Let's learn a little from the Latinos who eat well, drink well, sleep well... and make time for love.

22. Dance
A few months ago, I attended Shiamak Davar's amazing musical revue titled, "I Believe". I have watched Shiamak grow into a consummate performer over the past 25 years. But more than that, I have seen him use dance as a movement that transforms lives. It is inspirational and exhilarating to see how energetically Shiamak has spread the message of love, peace, harmony by getting everybody to get up and dance, regardless of any consideration. You don't need to be young, slim, supple, sexy or hot. You don't have to wear a leotard or make-up. You only have to get to your feet and sway to the beat. Anybody can do that-even someone with two left feet!Shiamak's approach to dance is spiritual and uplifting, as is evident from his inclusive style of teaching. Whether the participant is in a wheel chair, or otherwise physically challenged, Shiamak designs a role that accommodates each disability, without the person feeling in the least patronised or pitied. Dance with Dignity is his message. And it works. Free style dancing is easy... unlike classical dance forms that require training, discipline and talent. Dancing for the love of dancing, frees you from self-consciousness, even if you think you lack the grace and rhythm to move to the music. Who cares? You aren't going to be judged. And you aren't being watched. It's not 'Naach Baliye'... and you should tell yourself to just let go.... whirl, twirl, jump and swirl. If you prefer dancing with other people, why not enroll for Dancercise classes? Sweat it out... trust me, it's far more fun than hours spent on a treadmill. Go for it... if 50 Cent and hip- hop tracks do it for you, shake that leg, move those hips... shake, rattle and roll.




23. Embrace life
As the cliché goes, life is way too short to begin with. Why fight when you can love? When you embrace life unconditionally, you value each and every moment. And when each moment becomes precious enough, you derive the maximum enjoyment out of it. In that beautiful moment, you discover God. And goodness... love and laughter. Peace and beauty. Finding God has been our quest since time immemorial. We foolishly look for him in the most obvious of places-temples, churches, mosques and synagogues. On mountain tops and in the sky. When in reality, we should be looking no further than within our own hearts. God is an emotion. Life is God. Cherish life and you will find God. When you find God, happiness will find you!

24. Daan
Charity does not begin and end with writing a fat cheque and sitting back smugly thinking you've done something commendable. Giving, in the true sense, goes beyond donating money. It involves giving of yourself. Sharing time and emotions, interests and ideas. It's about real enrichment of yourself, and others who can benefit from your experience. There is a beautiful word called 'daan', which defies accurate translation. 'Daan' is an all-encompassing act, that includes kindness and compassion, as much as donations and gifts. Serving the less fortunate, in whichever capacity, makes you aware of your own good fortune, fills you with grace and gratitude, humility and joy. It doesn't have to be a grand gesture. Not everyone is Warren Buffet or Bill Gates-but look at their examples. Even an everyday act of concern, a reaching out to someone who needs help, is in itself a fulfilling way of compensating for an otherwise self- centered existence. I know people who volunteer time and effort, working with cancer afflicted children, most of them terminally ill. Each hospital visit drains them completely. Yet, they go back, week after week because they know within themselves that their precious time is best served with children who have very little of that precise commodity themselves.The world is waking up to the pure joy of giving. Some of the biggest names in entertainment, make sure they participate in programmes that support deserving causes, be it AIDS or female infanticide. The message their involvement sends out is powerful enough to motivate thousands of others globally to engage in similar movements that eventually lead to permanent change and personal transformations. Even if you don't have the time to participate in such organisations, why not start in your own backyard? How about spending half an hour teaching an under-privileged child in your locality? Spreading literacy and empowering even a single person, will make a huge difference, as anybody who has done so, will tell you. The day that same child comes to meet you armed with a college degree , may turn out to be one of the most memorable days of your life.

25. Just do it
Impossible is nothing. Strange, how the tag line of a world famous brand has the power to push individuals into new directions. Whether or not Nike sold more trainers with the 'Just Do It,' ad campaign is irrelevant. But so many years after it was launched, I still quote it to people who dither over decisions. There is something so compelling about the essential message-an inbuilt urgency that demands instant action. No matter how big or small the issue, the idea is to handle it well. To optimise, to do it with all your heart. Whenever I find myself feeling demotivated, I recall the slogan and get to the task with fresh enthusiasm. It helps that I love what I do. And that's the other thing-if you don't actively love your vocation, you'll remain resentful and miserable, crippled by self-doubt and waiting to opt out. So, make sure you identify ?that which you enjoy more than anything else-and success is bound to follow.Have a wonderful 2008.